Despite daily efforts of practicing mindfulness (emphasis on the word "effort"), I have a lot of trouble with letting go. I'm human, after all (shocking, I know), but I'm thinking about posting from time to time about my struggles with letting go of stuff. Not things like baby clothes and never-worn shoes, but of attachments to ideas, habits, petty annoyances, and character flaws.
One such thing that has been burdening my mind of late, well, really, of years, has been this need for perfection. Perfection in our home with tidiness and order, perfection in keeping Soren in line, perfection in action, like saying or doing the right thing at the right time. It's exhausting, and more pointedly, frustrating, but each day I still hop on that trick pony and keep up the act. It's a habit that I SO want to let go of.
But the truth is, I'm an utter failure at achieving it; pursing it, I'm pretty good, but perfection is so fleeting that it frustrates me. The house, though clean and orderly for all of 5 minutes, soon becomes sticky and toy-strewn.
Just today, I was visiting a friend who insisted that I sit down, relax, let the boys play, though every ounce of my being was wanting to hover, making sure my boy didn't destroy the place. He was certainly in the mode of doing so. I sometimes forget that, well, he's three, and he's a boy. His energy is overwhelming to a slug like myself. However, I really did try to mindfully let go of fussing over his every move, and then sat with my back to the kids. Yeah, they made a mess with playdough littering the floor (and walls!), but they had fun. And I even encouraged S to jump in an icy puddle on the way home. Why not? We were just walking back, and he could take off his shoes when we got inside.
One day at a time, breath by breath, I tell myself. Who knows what craziness with ensue tomorrow, maybe we'll rearrange the furniture or ice skate on paper plates around the kitchen. But you can be sure that I'll be still working on letting go.