June 13, 2012

Drowning, Again

Yet another week has gone by here, with me just keeping it all above water.  I'm in a funk, not just because I'm getting over a nasty cold, but I am plum worn out.

Between the usual work of taking care of kids and cooking and cleaning and dealing with Kid A, who has been exasperating as of late, I somehow muster up the energy and courage to pull myself out of bed during those fleeting minutes after sunrise.  Yes, both boys are early risers, usually waking each other up if one is still sleeping.

I keep hearing a Samuel Beckett quote over and over in my head lately--"I can't go on, I'll go on"  (Side note: Chris is in a Beckett-obsessed phase, so I think the darkness of this playwright has transmigrated into my mood as a result).  I mean, really, when you're caregiver to a child, what choice do you have but to go on, even if you can't?  It's a contradictory statement yet somehow it's absolutely true.
::
No one tells you how much children will suck you dry, like beautiful little leeches, first of milk, then of sanity, at least for me.  (I literally just wiped a butt in between sentences here, how fitting...collecting my thoughts once again).

I really shouldn't even be sitting here typing, as Kid A watches some dumb show and Kid B naps.  There are dishes (oh, the endless dishes) to be washed, teeth to be brushed, contact lenses to put in.  But sometimes I need as much of a moment to pursue creative or venting activities as I do to breathe or eat.  And now I'm here.  And gone. 

9 comments:

  1. I feel ya! We all get into these funks now and then, that's why it's so important to have "me" time. It's okay to let the dishes pile up every once in a while. It's more important to take care of "you" more often than not.

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  2. Ditto this whole post---this is how I feel this week!!! Glad someone else has these moments:)

    http://www.thechirpingmoms.com

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  3. Okay, once again you and I are in the same boat {minus the littlest one}. My blog posts have been very random and sparse lately. But as you said, we go on. Because we must. And, really, the little ones are worth every tired step.

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  4. We've been on the go all day today: playing, mosaic-ing, grocery shopping, etc. and in the two minutes that we've been home, I've sat down to check my email and read this message I've heard at least twelve, "hey, mom. mom. mom. MOM!"-s.

    Ah, but the venting has to happen or bad moods will take over.

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  5. I know I'm not in the same situation as you, but I completely understand the quote in relation to my illness; sometimes, I don't want to go on anymore, but there is nothing BUT to go on.

    I agree with Lori though-you do NEED your creative outlets because that and venting are some of the things that will help you get through!

    Sending lots and lots of energy your way!

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  6. Yup, and you think that when the kids are grown it changes. It doesn't. They still need help such as babysitting or how to do a repo (ugh, doing this now for our son, already helped our daughter, and before and still, ours). Plus, try to get sleep at any age.
    Life is exhausting. Husband and I are so tired every day and I keep saying "I need a day off, never a day off." which is true.
    Being a Mom-never a day off.
    Hope you can find some time for you.

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  7. I think you captured it perfectly with the "beautiful little leeches." It feels like all I've been doing thus far this summer is driving the kids back and forth to activities and reprimanding them for being mean to each other. It's exhausting! I wish we were closer, geographically, so we could commiserate and lock them outside while we sip iced coffee.

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  8. We all have those moments where we don't think we can do anymore, yet somehow we muster up the last strength we have to do so. Life isn't always perfect and I appreciate your rawness that demonstrates that. Hope your days get better soon.

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  9. This post made me smile... not because you are knee deep in kiddos, but because you sure are telling the truth. I agree with Naomi, we all need to be closer so we can pin the kids up and indulge in sweet treats. I think I have it bad now (wiping booty in between eating dinner), I'm really in for it come Fall, lol.

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I'm a good listener...comment away!

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