I made a mistake. Three weeks ago, out desperation, I enrolled Soren in daycare at his preschool for 2 days a week, 9am-2pm. Or "day camp" as I like to put it to make myself feel better about the situation.
Soren hates it. He whines and sobs every morning, even on some of the days when he's not going. He misses mommy. There's a kid with an ugly face who throws balls at him. He doesn't want to take a nap. He hates going to the pool and having to stay in the baby pool (the main selling point for me was an opportunity to go to the pool every day, since it's impossible for me to take both boys alone). The reasons go on and on.
While there's nothing wrong with daycare for working parents, it's been extremely difficult to enjoy this time with just one kiddo, partly out of guilt sending him some place that he so detests. I stay at home with the kids; that's my job. I feel "wrong" shipping one of them (albeit the more difficult one) off just so I can have a little peace and quiet and get a few chores done without having a little nose literally in my ass.
This summer has not been a splash for us, but more of just keeping our heads above water. We've been stuck in another behavioral rut with our 4 year old. He's been obstinate and aggressive for both Chris' and my attention, and with a spirited child like S, our playing and doting and going places with him is never enough. I feel so bad for him, that for some reason he's hurting, while at the same time I get angry when he deliberately pushes my buttons. I have a feeling we're going to have a lifelong push and pull, he and I.
The situation will soon rectify itself when daycare ends for him next week (probably as soon as he's finally comfortable there), and then we're on to the preschool routine again. While it hasn't been easy, I'm hope that somewhere in this mess we've all learned something, whether it's navigating the "kid with the ugly face" or living with the torment of sending your child off to do something he hates.