July 29, 2013

I Can't Get No Satisfaction

Lately, I've had this heavy sense of being unsatisfied with the daily routine.  Don't get me wrong, it's not an unhappiness about life or being ungrateful to the bountiful life I lead with these two:
It's more of a sense of personal unease, that I'm on a hamster wheel of laundry, loading/unloading the dishwasher, bedtime routines, and lack of things to talk about with Chris, other than the kids (total First World problem, but it is one nonetheless).

I know raising children and keeping a home is important work, but the thanklessness of this job, and its occasional accompanying sense of drudgery at times gets the best of me.  And by thanklessness, I don't mean that I want my children to appreciate what I do; I think it's just a contrast to previous work, where you had some notoriety and satisfaction in a job well-done.

I've been struggling with a creative urge that is going unanswered, mostly due to lack of time and space to make something.  Knitting is all well and good, but I'm looking to do something else.  And our kitchen table just doesn't accommodate the kind of artwork that requires time to make, like a quilt or a painting.  Meals, play dough, and even races around the table prevent any serious art from happening.  Or even just a therapeutic blog post like this one.

I took a walk yesterday to clear my head. Exercise helps, of course (tell that to my usual splayed-out-on-the-couch self, after putting the kids to bed.  I strolled the neighborhood, and talked with a former professor, who sympathized with my situation. While I didn't walk away feeling marvelously better, it still got me thinking.  While I try to tap into creativity via many avenues (cooking, coming up with ways to entertain the kids, etc.) I don't devote as much to myself, and I really need to carve some time out for that (duh).

While walking, I also had some weird moments, looking at houses that evoked my childhood.  Something about the style of house, a certain degree of shade from the trees, or even the faint lights coming from the windows awoke a sad, nostalgic longing in me.  I don't usually get like this (the past is past, my parents are no longer those of my childhood, but have a different role now, etc.) but for some reason it really made my heart feel heavy.

I determined that the feeling was more of a longing to be taken care of, to have someone else keep me safe, nourished, warm and in the arms of a happy home.  Of course, I do love to provide these things myself, but every so often it would be nice to have someone else care for me again.  Oh, well, that's life.  We never appreciate what we have now.

And maybe that's the sentiment I need to cling onto.  To be here, now, satisfied even if I'm in need of something more.  Is it even possible?

6 comments:

  1. Same old... different day. I'm feeling the same right now. I swear, each new post that shows up in my email resonates with me on some level. I love it.

    I've been feeling the need to literally hand the baby to The Mister and go for a walk as soon as he gets home. But I can't - his back has been hurting/is hurt and he has chiro/decompression therapy every weeknight at 6pm. So he comes home, ices his back, eats, and leaves. I am now handling the kids solo from sun up {literally} until nearly sun down. And I'm going a wee bit crazy. By the time I have time for "me" {haha!} I am exhausted.

    This weekend I made plans with my mom to go to the farmer's market. Just her and I. It seems lame in a way {this will be my first kid-free outing in over a year?}, but I am ridiculously excited.

    Tangent aside. I think it is possible to be satisfied in the present, but want more. Overall, I think I feel that daily. When I am honest with myself at least, and ask what my priorities are what I truly care about... their well being and happiness trumps mine. So ultimately, I am satisfied. But I want more ;)

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  2. It does get better when they're in school. Promise!

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  3. Reading this was like reading a script from my own life. Very very much the same! I cannot believe you mentioned that feeling of wanting to be taken care of....I have had that same feeling and I have told my hubby that a few times. That is definitely a sad heavy heart feeling. I think it's sad because we really aren't going to get that back either. I wish I could have a face to face conversation with you about raising children, being a stay at home mom, the challenges, the joys, the hamster wheel!! LOL! I know!! I have had many a good cry of frustration. It's like, you know you are doing a very important job, and you love it and you love your children and you wouldn't have it any other way, and you are very grateful and thankful for your family....but it is not a bed of roses the whole time. oh, I have so much to say on this matter. You really do lose a part of yourself and a lot of my creativity died and was put on hold in the process. All I can say to you is, I know! You are not alone, even though you feel that way! It is tough! It is frustrating! It feels sad sometimes! It's hard to admit too, because you don't want to sound ungrateful. But, it's true. Parenting is the best thing in the world and also the most challenging. I'm starting to think that if it didn't drain you, and leave you exhausted, you might be doing it wrong. haha! So, we must me doing it right!! I think that it is great that you posted about this. It needs to be brought into the light more. Having said all of this, I must say that, my children are now 15 and 11...and I have come out on the other side...I made it! I'm looking back at you though...I can see you and all the other moms with young children, in the middle of the tunnel....it will be awhile before you get through to the other side...but you will. I'm not going to lie...it's going to take a while, like years!! LOL! Anyhow, now I actually have plenty of time to do pretty much whatever I want. Hobbies, crafts, exercise, cooking, baking, gardening...you name it. I'm still a stay at home mom..so I still have a ton of housework, dishes and laundry, but my kids are obviously very independent at this age. I can tell you, I still haven't figured out how to keep the house clean...you can just forget about that. LOL!

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  4. I totally can relate...hang in there. *hugs*

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  5. I know what you mean. I feel like there is always a sense of wanting more, of feeling you're missing out. I think it has a lot to do with facebook statuses and such. It always seems like someone else is having a better time.

    I just feel like I never have enough time to accomplish simple daily tasks, and because of that no additional progress is ever made. My to-do list is always a mile long. That is so frustrating to me.

    But you're right, we are never completely satisfied. I think it's human nature.

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  6. Hi Katy,

    I read your post and I understand exactly what you mean. Life spins out of control so fast and so often I tell Hubby I pine away for days gone by and he looks at me like I have two heads. I wondered just today if I'll look back when I'm a GREAT-grandmother and pine away for the days when I was 'just' a grandmother.

    Either way I decided to enjoy today! The laundry will be there tomorrow and so will the dishes. But My Little Guy will be grown up. I don't want to miss it!

    xo
    Leslie
    Leslie Loves Veggies

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